<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Wilhuff Tarkin, Hero of the Rebellion: the non-canon insanity by lordMartiya</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25994590">Wilhuff Tarkin, Hero of the Rebellion: the non-canon insanity</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordMartiya/pseuds/lordMartiya'>lordMartiya</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Wilhuff Tarkin, Hero of the Rebellion [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Just relax, NONE OF THIS IS CANON, Spacebattles is a den of insanity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:48:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,727</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25994590</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordMartiya/pseuds/lordMartiya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Funny things that cannot happen in the main story of "Wilhuff Tarkin, Hero of the Rebellion". None of this is canon, just relax.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Wilhuff Tarkin, Hero of the Rebellion [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886689</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Vader first deals with "In the Empire"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Because if we have Candace the Stormtrooper, we kinda have to do this...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"IT'S SOOO NOT FAIR!" Candace sung before coming up with a rant. "I mean, why am I still on sock detail when Gladys from Accounting got promoted to Commander, and she doesn't even know how to hold a blaster? No, I mean, really, she failed that part of the exam four times. She held it backwards and upside down. But no, she's a second cousin of some Inquisitor, and so she gets a promotion? What about me?"<br/>
<br/>
<b><em>"What was that?"</em></b><br/>
<br/>
Everyone slowly turned and saw Darth Vader was on the barracks' door.<br/>
<br/>
"Sir, nothing, sir." she said. "I... Well, I came up with this song, and at that point there's some rant and that was the stupidest one I could come up with, and-"<br/>
<br/>
<b><em>"I see. Carry on."</em></b><br/>
<br/>
With that Vader left.<br/>
<br/>
"Lord Vader doesn't care of what we do in our free time as long as we do our jobs when on duty." lieutenant Praji explained.<br/>
<br/>
"Oh. Thanks, sir. Everybody, let's go back to the start! And if it goes well, we make a music video for lord Vader!"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Perry the Platypus, Agent of the Rebellion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A chapter written by Delta Prime on Spacebattles, dealing with the obvious part: we have Candace the Stormtrooper, she mentioned her siblings, so what about Perry?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Perry the Platypus, Agent of the Rebellion</strong>
</p><p>It was an ordinary day on Tatooine, meaning it was just as unbearably hot and dry as always. Even with the destruction of the ancient Rakatan artifact, it would still take time for the planet to finally heal. If nothing else though, the state of the planet meant that moisture farmers and their vaporators would still be relevant for quite some time. One of the latter could actually be found on the outskirts of the Mos Eisley spaceport, seemingly abandoned.</p><p>Or is it?</p><p>If anyone had decided to pay attention to said device, they would have noticed a lone figure, obscured by a cloak, approaching it. The only details these hypothetical onlookers would only be able to observe about the stranger is their size, which, in addition to the cloak, would paint the image of the stranger being a lone jawa.</p><p>Or are they?</p><p>For as they reach the lone vaporator, the figure takes a moment to scan their surroundings, before pressing down on a hidden pressure plate, revealing an elevator built into the device. One ride down later, the figure exits the elevator and enters a hidden communication hub where they throw off their cloak, revealing themselves as a galactic semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action!</p><p>"Ah, there you are Agent P," greeted the hologram of Major Hologram, as said agent entered the secret rebel outpost. "We've just received intel from the Night Hammer that Heinz Darthenshmirtz-wait, he actually got his name changed to that, Carl?" MH asked someone out of shot.</p><p>"I told you he was a big fan, sir," replied Carl the technician.</p><p>"There's a difference between big fan, and crazy stalker. Next thing you'll tell me is that he's digging through Vader's trash. Anyways Agent P, intel suggests that he's begun work on a secret weapon that could spell the end to the rebellion. We need you to track him down, and put a stop to it,"</p><p>Agent P saluted his commander, before he left the hub. A brief moment of silence came, before Carl spoke up again.</p><p>"Sir, about that trash comment-"</p><p>"I'd rather not know,"</p><hr/><p><em>Darthenshnirtz's time share on Alderaan</em>~~</p><p>"Okay Norm-3PO, have you dealt with that infestation like I asked you to?" Asked a hunched over scientist dressed in a facsimile of Darth Vader's outfit.</p><p>"Yes sir, the Geonosians have been evicted from the premises," answered a large and heavily modified protocol droid.</p><p>"Good, that'll show them for staying past their lease agreement. Now get out, I'm going to read my mail and I don't need your commentary,"</p><p>"Yes sir," the droid replied in what could be interpreted as a despondent tone, before it left the room. As soon as it had done so, the scientist began browsing through his inbox.</p><p>"Let's see here, junk, junk, Firestar cookies sale? Mark that for later. Junk, jun-hm? OH! They used my reactor design! HAHA, I knew Galen Erso would come through for me! Man, do I owe him one. Alright what else-" he was cut off as something suddenly burst out of a vent and charged into the room.</p><p>"Ah, Perry the Rebelpus. Unexpected, your arrival was. And by unexpected, I mean expected completely!" cried out Darthenshmirtz, for at that moment, Perry found himself trapped within a ray shield.</p><p>"OHHO! I can't believe that worked!" laughed the mad scientist, "I thought you were smarter than that Perry! Haaa, apparently not. Anyway, now that you're here, let me fill you in on my latest project," Darthenshmirtz began pacing his lab as he began explaining.</p><p>"It may come as a surprise to you that I'm a bit of a fan of Darth Vader," at this, Perry gave him an absolute deadpan of a look, one that Darthenshmirtz ignored completely. "It's just that he's the absolute package for a galactic villain! The awesome voice, the intimidating aura, and his powers! If I'm to ever rise to my peak level of villainy, I need to emulate him as much as possible. As you can see, I've already got the aura down," he boasted, gesturing to his outfit. "Voice is easy enough: <em>Now this is podracing</em>," he said in a poor imitation of Vader. "See, so awesome I can even make that line sound scary. But his powers, this 'Force', is something that I hit a roadblock with. Not a lot of records seemed to survive the whole 'Jedi purge' thing. A lot of what I could find said the force was a mystical energy field that bound everything in the galaxy together. A load of hokey religious preaching if you ask me. BUT!" he exclaimed, as he retrieved and showed off a petri dish. "My search would soon bear fruit, as I uncovered obscure mentions of a special breed of microscopic lifeforms known as Midichlorians, that seemed to be present in high numbers with those who had these Force powers. Clearly, THIS is the source of Vader's great power! I mean, granted, I still have no idea how microscopic lifeforms can give one telekinesis and other abilities, and Norm-3PO once said how they could be an effect of the Force rather than the cause, but you know what! I say Norm's taken a few too many control bolts to his processors! I know I'm right here,"</p><p>"Anyway," he continued as he unveiled his latest device,"In order to prove my theory right while obtaining ultimate Force power, I've constructed the Microscopic-Cloninginator! It targets specific samples," he explained while loading in his petri dish,"and induces a rapid state of reproduction in the designated target. With this, my Midichlorine count will rise beyond a measly 12, and I'll attain the power to rule the Tri-system quadrant! Anything over that would just be too much work in my opinion. So, to make sure this device is fully operational and safe for me, I'm going to test it on you," he finished as he turned the device towards his prisoner. "Wouldn't want any surprise tumors after all. So, any last words before we begin, Perry the Rebelpus?"</p><p>"Sir, your Bantha Biscuits are ready!" Norm-3PO called from outside the room.</p><p>"OOOH! My Bantha Biscuits! I've been dying to try these Perry. Brb!" Darthenshmirtz exclaimed, as he ran out of the room. The moment he left, Perry immediately pulled out his EMP grenade and tossed it and the shield emitter above him. The detonation had its desired effect, as he quickly found himself free and made a bolt for the Inator.</p><p>"You know, *nom nom*, these are apparently banned in quite a few systems, never figured out why-HEY!" shouted Darthenshmirtz, who had just reentered the room carrying his snack, as he witnessed Perry closing in on his key to power. He threw his biscuit at the agent, which actually succeeded in striking him on the head, knocking the diminutive agent down for a moment. Enough time for the evil scientist to block his way forward.</p><p>"You're not going anywhere!" challenged Darthenshmirtz, as he and Perry engaged in battle. With his small-to-hit size and superior training, compared to Darthenshmirtz's poor physical state brought upon by minimal exercise and too many Firestar cookies, the rebel agent was quickly taking down the Sith-wannabe. But the scientist still had one last card to play.</p><p>"NORM, GET IN HERE!" called out Darthenshmirtz as his face was shoved into the ground.</p><p>"I'm coming sir!" answered Norm, as the doors suddenly opened to reveal the large robot in question. At this, Perry quickly reassessed the situation. He had already used his EMP grenade to fry the shields. While he could easily outmaneuver the droid, it'd leave Darthenshmirtz open to try some new trick. He needed to take the Inator down now.</p><p>Perry quickly dropped the scientist and made a run for the Inator. He reached it quickly enough, but to his shock found no tell-tale sign of a self-destruct button.</p><p>"HAHA! Surprised Perry the Rebelpus? Yeah, I can learn from my mistakes. This time I've hidden my self-destruct button, somewhere only an ancient warrior would dare to look. Too bad you're not a master Jedi or something like that, now GET HIM NORM!"</p><p>Perry looked up to see the large droid closing in on him, and quickly tried to look for a way out-only for a flash of inspiration to hit him. He hit a specific button on the Inator, revealing a tray with a petri dish.</p><p>"What are you doing Perry the Rebelpus? Taking the sample won't stop me, those Midichlorians are practically everywhere. OH, maybe that's how they manage telekinesis…" murmured Darthenshmirtz. Lost in his train of thought as he was, he failed to notice Perry grabbing a new sample from his own head and taking aim at a forgotten projectile left on the floor. He didn't miss its activation though. "Huh, what are you-WOAH" he cried out, as the Bantha Biscuit began to grow to a ludicrous size. "You know, I'm willing to bet this is why these things are banned," he pondered, just as the food article in question attained sentience and let out a hungry roar, the ray continuing to increase its size.</p><p>"Yep, definitely the reason. RUN NORM!"</p><p>"Commencing retreat protocols sir!" Norm called out as rocket thrusters popped out of his back. He quickly grabbed his master before blasting off through the roof.</p><p>Perry himself quickly made his own escape, after pushing the Inator towards the Giant Amorphous Bantha Breakfast Biscuit, ensuring that its mass crushed the device in question. As he retreated from the ruins of the timeshare and flew off in his cloaked starfighter, he could briefly hear a cry of "CURSE YOU PERRY THE REBELPUS!"</p><p>The utterer of that cry watched the ship leave the atmosphere, before turning his attention to the now rampaging Giant Amorphous Bantha Breakfast Biscuit.</p><p>"...we're going to get in trouble for that, aren't we?"</p><p>"That seems likely sir,"</p><hr/><p>AN: Well, this was frankly long overdue in my opinion. Honestly kinda surprised no one else made an omake like this first. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it! Oh, and for anyone curious, the self destruct button was hidden on the inside of the nozzle of the ray emitter for the Inator.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Pirate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And another piece for the non-canon stories! With an interesting visitor. Interesting in the Chinese curse sense.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>"What now?" admiral Octavian Grant demanded as he reached the bridge of the <em>Oriflamme</em>.<br/><br/>"We have detected a strange and possibly hostile ship, one that is ignoring our calls." the captain replied. "Profile and estimated size are similar to a <em>Night Hammer</em>-class cruiser, but the engine output is twice that. We have directed the CAP to verify from up close."<br/><br/>"Tell them to verify if she's flying a black flag with skull and crossbones."<br/><br/>For a moment the captain thought about asking for an explanation about flying a flag in absence of air. Then, remembering that admiral Grant was one of the Empire's best fleet commanders in spite of his personality, he just relayed the order. It would be clear soon enough.<br/><br/>"Sir... The CAP has verified they're indeed flying such a flag." the captain said, wondering how it was even possible.<br/><br/>"Well, there's not many who'd install a mechanism to fly a flag in space as if it was in an atmosphere..." Grant said, sounding strangely resigned. "Open a channel, and let's hope this goes well."<br/><br/></p><hr/><p><br/>On the bridge of the <em>Emperor's Disciple</em>, COMPNOR director Ishin-Il-Raz was grumbling at what had happened two weeks earlier. Octavian Grant killed in a swordfight by a pirate-and his crew had done nothing to save him, as per <em>Grant's orders</em>. Apparently he had explained that he didn't think he could take the much smaller enemy ship, so he had challenged the enemy to a duel because he didn't see any purpose in killing his men and wreck a perfectly good Star Destroyer in an unwinnable battle...<br/><br/>"Detecting enemy ship. It's the Grant Killer." a sensor operator explained.<br/><br/>"Wipe it out!" he ordered.<br/><br/>The <em>Emperor's Disciple</em>, an <em>Imperial II</em>-class Star Destroyer, opened fire with her large arsenal... To no results: the enemy ship was quite fast and hard to target even with the secondary battery, and what few hits that reached the target were useless against a shield comparable to a VSD-II. Then the enemy fired-and, somehow, got through and destroyed three of the port barbette mounts.<br/><br/>"What was that?!" Ishin-Il-Raz demanded, barely standing up in fear.<br/><br/>"High-penetration antimatter particle beams!"<br/><br/>"Impossible!" the Empire had dismissed the idea of making such a weapon work, nobody could have succeeded. No matter what was happening.<br/><br/>Then the enemy ship-whose prow was a gigantic skull and crossbones-arrived at about 500 meters, and fired a boarding tube that, thanks to the particle shields not having been raised, got through the bridge window. Then it opened, and a single man came out. He was tall, about 1.9 meters, wearing a black jumpsuit with the skull and crossbones emblem proudly displayed on the chest, a black cape, and a weapon belt with an unknown model of gun at the right holster and at the left the holster for the strange sword in the pirate's hand. He had messy brown hair, a scar across his face, the right eye brown and the left covered by a black eyepatch. Then the pirate aimed his sword at Ishin-Il-Raz, who had fallen on the ground and soiled himself when the tube got in, and <em>shot him right in the head</em>.<br/><br/>"Let this be the fate of all the criminals and cowards using the Empire for their own dirty deeds." the pirate said before walking back in the tube, that was then retreated.<br/><br/>As the emergency locks blocked the shattered window before the crew or too much air could be lost, the captain recovered from the surprise of what had just happened and wondered out loud: "How am I going to explain it to the admiralty?"</p><hr/><p><br/><br/>"Bring your entire crew to therapy while the <em>Emperor's Disciple</em> is in drydock." Motti said to the captain of the wrecked Star Destroyer. "He couldn't just get himself killed peacefully or in a fight, no, the coward had to get a perfectly good Star Destroyer wrecked and hundreds of spacemen killed..."<br/><br/>"Sir... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT PIRATE?!" the captain demanded.<br/><br/>"Captain Harlock. He usually stays in a different universe, but sometimes he and that incredibly powerful ship of his get dragged in others and so he goes after anyone he considers needing being killed right now, and does just that. We need to make Grant's idea when faced with him a standard procedure so we can limit the damage. Though I wonder if he's gonna kill anyone else before he's forced back in his home dimension..."<br/><br/></p><hr/><p><br/><br/>"So in other universes I blow Alderaan?" Tarkin said to his home guest. "Another reason to thank Mace Windu, then. He really saved my life, and not just my soul."<br/><br/>"Indeed." Harlock replied as he took a sip from the wine Tarkin had offered him while his brain processed the idea of <em>Wilhuff Tarkin</em> being a good guy.<br/><br/>"But what about Rivoche?"<br/><br/>"She usually becomes a Rebel agent and has a brief relationship with Luke Skywalker that collapses as soon as he realizes he killed you and she doesn't mind. By the time he realizes she considers it a mercy kill one or both are already married."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Captain Harlock crossing dimensions to kill Imperials. Sadly, he's gonna get dragged back in his universe before he can kill the Emperor (and this being Harlock he'd make it stick by handing him such a massive beating he's too scared to try and resurrect himself)... But at least he got two of the big names. With Ishin-Il-Raz dying as the coward he is, and Grant, a master strategist and a Tapani noble (thus having been a duelist in his youth), quickly recognizing the only course of action that gives him a small chance of victory and, being no Darth Vader, scraping a good death.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>